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Ask Dave

An Unmotivated Husband

Nicole has been married three years, and her husband hasn't been able to maintain a job during that time. She doesn't know how to motivate him to keep a job and is frustrated.

QUESTION: Nicole in Mobile has been married three years, and her husband hasn’t been able to maintain a job during that time. She doesn’t know how to motivate him to keep a job and is frustrated. Dave suggests laying down some ground rules now.

ANSWER: I suggest you look for some marriage counseling. See if your husband will go with you. Then you begin to put down some guidelines that under these situations, you’ll stay. Under these situations, you won’t stay. I can give you my opinion. My opinion is that you need to take the television and the computers and the games out of your house—completely.

There’s nothing wrong with gaming. While you are not working and your wife is working 60 hours a week, gaming is a problem. Drinking is a problem. Those two things stop immediately or he’s going to lose you. He gets to decide that. Then maybe he’ll go find the business end of a lawnmower or pressure washer.

He’s never had anyone around to teach him how to be a man, so he’s a little boy. He needs to gather some men around him. A good place to do that is to get some good, godly men in a church and ask for some help. He doesn’t know how to function. He’s never been taught. He’s not a bad person, and he’s probably not as lazy as he sounds. He just doesn’t know what to do and so what he does is do nothing. No one’s ever taught him how to get up off his butt and go kill something and drag it home. He doesn’t have those skills. That’s what he’s going to have to get. If he will not address those things, your marriage is over. Can you imagine being 50 years old and still living like this? That would make you a moron, and you’re not.

You need to put some things in place to where this young man has to make his decisions to move. Number one, marriage counseling. Number two, no alcohol. Number three, the games, the computers, and the TV leave the home. Number four, he needs to get plugged in with some men who will work with him and show him how to love his wife well and how to go into the marketplace and provide. He can do all of those things, but he’s not even making a valid attempt at that at this point. That’s what’s driving you crazy. He’s going to have to do those things, or he’s going to lose you.