Irrevocably Broken Trust?

Carla wants to know how to learn to trust her husband again after financial infidelity. He racked up a tremendous amount of debt, hid it, and sold some collector coins without telling her.

QUESTION: Carla in Mississippi wants to know how to learn to trust her husband again after some financial infidelity. He racked up a tremendous amount of debt, hid it, and sold some collector coins without telling her.

ANSWER: I don’t think you should trust him with your finances. I think it’s okay. He’s not been proven worthy of trust. It’s hard to stay married to a liar. If I’m in your shoes, he has to stop lying to keep me. Once he stops lying, how do you regain trust? You’ve got 17 years of lying. In 17 days, you’re not going to trust him unless you’re delusional. But in 17 months, you’ll trust him more than you will in 17 days. In three years, you’ll trust him more than you will in two years if he quits doing it. He becomes worthy of trust by stopping, and he proves that by continuing to live a life of integrity with his wife.

There’s a high correlation between men who lie about and hide money and affairs. Once he gets in the pattern of thinking you’re going to put up with his lies, then you get into a problem. I’m not trying to tell you to leave your husband. That’s not what I would ever tell somebody to do unless he’s hitting you. But his marriage is getting ready to end, because you are going to reach a point where that switch flips, and you’re going to be done. He needs to understand that, and I think a good way to do that sometimes is marriage counseling. A marriage counselor can act as a translator, and I think that’s what you need. He needs to understand he has to go to the marriage counselor because you’re getting ready to leave.