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Getting divorced

Monday, Jul 09 in Divorce | Comments (21)

Question: Sue Ellen is separated with 2 kids, heading toward divorce. How can she make the best choices as a future single mom?

Dave Ramsey's answer: There are a couple things you must do. Be very careful that you don't medicate all this pain you're going through with spending. That would make you human, but it puts the wrong medicine on the wound. About 70 to 80% of the ladies that go through this process want to stay in their home for the sake of the kids, even if they can't afford it. Take a good look at the house payment and see if it works. Build up your full emergency fund ($15,000 to $20,000) in a simple money market account so that, if he decides to not pay child support, you can absorb the income hit better.

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She will have little to worry about. family Courts and judges tend to side with the women. "For the sake of the children". Please. CS will be robust.

# Posted by Brian | 12/20/07 9:15 AM

I disagree with that entirely! Women take a big HIT after a divorce, especially women with kids who are stau
at home moms. The men are usually the ones who make more money; take it and then put it in their girlfriend's
name to avoid giving any to their ex. All you have to do is read the stats; they sing a different tune. Women
don't hit the mother load on child support either. Again, read the stats. A good percentage don't get all that is owed.
Some get nothing at all. Child support isn't meant for anything but the ADDED expense of having the child
full-time! I receive barely $200 TOTAL a month for two kids; and he can afford more! I would hardly call that
robust!

# Posted by Rhonda | 12/23/07 12:38 PM

Most women after divorce are forced to struggle under the poverty level. Most of us can barely survive and are stuck with some of the vindictive things or just stupid things that we or our ex did before the divorce was final.

I myself am going thru this right and in the processes of filing. I don't think its Gods choice but I no longer know what to do in my situation.
We own two small businesses together and mine isn't making a profit (I am actually putting in about 500-1000 a month to keep it going while I try to sell it with a business broker) 84 hours a week later I am looking for a second job and trying to figure out how I am going to pull it off. I don't like my life and want to change it and am willing to do what ever it takes for the kids and I.

# Posted by April | 12/26/07 9:48 AM

iam a father of three going threw a custody/divorce
right now the children reside with the grandmother
mother of my wife iam over the road truck driver
trying to get custody she went told the court that
i had abanded them real i was at work but she lied to
the court system so iam fighting to get the kids cause
the wife doesnt want them she rather be her 18yr
old boyfriend how do i convence the court iam the better
parent & more secure parent

# Posted by jon gardenhire | 12/31/07 2:11 PM

There is no way that all divorced women are living high on child support. I am divorced with two kids and receive $320 a month from their father and I am just lucky he actually pays it! The daycare alone for my kids is $1100 a month and I only make $1300 a month from my full time job. If it wasn't for my boyfriend having an excellent job and covering the rest of the bills, there is no way we would make it. My ex purposely refuses to look for a better job because he doesn't want to pay more child support. His measly payment doesn't come close to covering half of what it costs to take care of my children.

# Posted by Laura H | 12/31/07 2:52 PM

And FYI Brian, you are wrong. The amount of child support ordered by the court depends on the father's income so unless he makes a lot of money and actually pays that mother is on her own.

# Posted by Laura H | 12/31/07 2:55 PM

Court system doesn't favor women at all.
I have a 3yr old girl and don't receive a penny on
child support because his lawyer says that we
make comparable income. That was fullof it.

# Posted by Mona | 1/12/08 7:51 AM

I think I tried to be a stand up guy like Dave's touts. I spent almost equal time with kids, as much as possible. I had no problem paying support. But the courts stuck-it to me! My Ex. gambled our money, used state assistance in her favor through the process, didn’t want joint custodial custody, lied to courts and got away with murder. Kind of wish I had the girlfriend to give the money to. The kids and I lose and also had to file for Chp. 7. Sorry Mona, Laura you’re wrong.

# Posted by Mike | 1/29/08 7:27 PM

It amazes me that whenever "Divorce" is talked
about, no one ever reminds those considering it
that it is not to happen. DON'T GET DIVORCED.
Make it work at all costs. That is how it is
supposed to work. It does hurt when you get
divorced--financially, emotionally, and for
generations it is felt. It's SELFISH.

# Posted by Scott Benge | 2/5/08 7:00 AM

Ha! Well good for you Scott - so you think it's selfish to get divorced.
What if you're in an abusive relationship?
What if your spouse is an alcoholic?
What if your spouse is a drug addict?
It is not selfish.

# Posted by Betsy | 2/15/08 12:50 PM

I do believe that divorce is allowed when one's spouse has been unfaithful. I think staying healthy and not getting AIDS or somesuch from a cheating spouse is the best for the kids.

# Posted by claire | 2/17/08 9:51 PM

Im sorry Scott, but you're wrong. I was married for 21 years, We seperated in 99, but I felt God told me to give it another try. In 2006 She was seeing a janitor in the school she works at, plus I found out that she was paying some of her family memebers bills, as well as other large purchases for them without my knowledge. A freind told me that death is easier than divorce, and I believe him. It has been a terrible 2 years since I left and I agree with you that you should try at all costs to work it out. Since then, the ex, kids, & I all live in the same small town. You would not believe the lies, slander and other dispicable things she and her little "slander posse" has done to me, up to & including making me feel unwelcome in our church. I havent seen my boys since fathers day 2007. because the local cops wont enforce the vistation agreement. Previous posts have said get a lawyer & fight it. In Kansas and especially here, the judges are so biased against the fathers, it a waste of money to fight it. And lawyers...thats a whole other story....

# Posted by Ron | 2/18/08 11:08 AM

To the women out there who are not getting enough child support, just curious, but did you and your ex decide to have children together or did you get pregnant and decide for him? I dont think the man should have to be responsible for children his wife wanted if there was no discussion and agreement beforehand. I think a lot of women are very unethical about this.

# Posted by curious | 2/19/08 1:06 PM

if you are thinking you ar not getting enough,
do some research. Our state has an online
calculator to figure it out. I think the
amount we pay is extreme but it is the law.

Sue for back support, garnish wages.

# Posted by red | 2/21/08 12:48 PM

I am divorce service wife.I have a new home and I am dealing with getting my bills down. I have the baby steps fund. I have a house that I will be getting the equity out of the home once x-husband and I decide to sale.I get the equity. What should I do?

# Posted by Barbara Warden | 2/25/08 10:56 AM

To curious. Just how exactly do you figure that women are unethical about having children? I'm really
"curious" where you get you information from. My ex and I decided to have kids together. HE decided to
leave and not support them. Sounds like he is the one unethical to me, don't you?

# Posted by Rhonda | 3/1/08 7:16 PM

you should know what your support payment is going to be (or at least a good idea) before decideing to go through divorce.
this applies to men and women. both parties can pay and recieve. if you dont think you can live with the amount u should look for a plan b
work it out seek counseling or whatever. if your spouse is cheating ,find u a new friend this is not really a good policy but neither is
divorceing and then griping about the money u pay or recieve

# Posted by aaron | 3/4/08 11:03 PM

my wife of 23 years has chosen to divorce me. I
have 4 minor children. She has not wanted to reconcile
concile at all even though i have tried every
thing to make things work for the kids sake.
There has not been any infidality or abuse she
says it just isnt working. I We are both deep and debt.
Now i am going to be hit with child support
which i dont mind paying for my kids sake but
she has mantained our joint business the house
and physical custody of the kids i have had to
start all over with everything and i was not
the one who wanted the divorce because i knew
we would both struggle to get out of debt now
it seems impossible because of her choice.

# Posted by alan | 3/12/08 4:06 PM

I'm married to a man who has a baby on the way. We have been married for 11 yrs and the baby is due any day. He don't worried about the bills because I write all the checks out. All he does is put his check in the bank and that's it. I am the one trying to figure what is needed in the house, which bill to pay first and things like that. He makes the most money. I want to go back to school but I don't have the money. I am drowning in bills. I want to get a divorice but i am afraid. I don't know of what. I just wanted to make sure I have my ducks in a row. Any advice

# Posted by christine Brown | 3/17/08 3:05 PM

Divorce is a sad state of affairs and I would advise that if you are able to keep the marraige together you should do everything in you power to stay married. However, that only works if you both feel that the marraige should be saved! I tried everything I could until I realized there was not a happy ending in my marriage of 16 years with my husband. I was lucky, I had a good job and was able to support our children when he chose to quit his job instead of paying child support. I was also lucky that by chance I found Dave's Cash flow plan when my ex decided to not pay any of the debt he was given in the divorce. I was lucky that my children and I were not home when our family home burned down and we lost everything. I was lucky that I could provide a home for my children even though I had to allow the home to go into foreclosure while my ex was being investigated for arson and the insurance company was not paying. I am lucky that my income continued to grow and I have put one child through college and have two more currently enrolled in state colleges with no student loans. I am lucky that I am working my way toward being debt free with my current husband and that I am in a much better place than I could ever have been had I kept my marriage together. I meet so many women and men who have not been as lucky as I have been, and my heart breaks for them but I have enough sense to realize that every situation is different and I can not compare my experience to every divorce! Divorce is not something I would wish on anyone, but there are times it can not be avoided. It is those times that YOU have to find your way through your own situation and come out on the other end a better person, not a bitter one!

# Posted by lucky | 3/20/08 11:41 AM

As I read through these comments, a couple of things stand out to me. Most important of all, is not whether something is "fair", but whether it is best for the children. Life isn't fair and nothing will ever come out completely even. I don't agree with many of the choices my ex has made, I pay over a third of my take home income in child support, even though they are often with me over half the week. The result is two kids who have never had to deal with animousity and squabbling between their parents. I didn't want the divorce, and I believe it is a last resort in most cases. But by choosing to make the sacrifice to forgive and give extra, my kids have commented that their parents "agree on everything". It IS possible to choose to make the best of a bad situation.

# Posted by Andrew | 3/28/08 11:55 PM

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