Highlights from the Dave Ramsey Show

QUESTION: Laura in Denver just found out her husband had an affair and is addicted to pornography. The money that was supposed to be going toward their financial plan has been going somewhere else. Laura doesn't know where to start. They have two homes and owe $408,000. Dave says they're going to have to do a lot of work to get past this.

ANSWER: An accountability partner won't touch this. This is in-depth, detailed marriage counseling and counseling for an addiction. You guys have a lot of marriage counseling to do. For a marriage to survive a porn addiction is a huge undertaking. For a marriage to survive a porn addiction combined with an affair is a super huge undertaking. Can it be done? Yeah, it can be done. But it requires both of you doing some unbelievable work. This is not just, "He needs an accountability partner." This is way past that.

You guys need to get a marriage counselor. Commit to a plan there. He needs to be in counseling. He needs to be in a 12-step plan for an addiction. You've got to have all kinds of steps that he's willing to take.

There's no middle ground on this for you guys to survive as a couple. I'm not a marriage counselor. I just end up in the middle of these things because the number-one addiction that is breaking up marriages right now is gambling, and a close second is porn. We're running into it a lot. We're having to deal with it a lot, and the only people we see that are succeeding are those who are treating it as if it was cocaine.

Your family is in danger because of it. That's the people you're messing around with when you mess with those sites. It's organized crime. It's ridiculous. It's dangerous. It's not just dirty pictures. It's filth at an unbelievable level. It's not just me being a prude. I'm talking from a counseling coaching perspective. In order for you to have a quality marriage ever again, there is a ton of trust that has to be rebuilt on two different fronts—on the marriage and the fidelity side and then on the addictive behavior side. He has an amount of work to do to regain your trust and an amount of cleanliness to walk in to regain your trust. If I'm in your shoes, that has to be extreme measures. Otherwise, you're just kidding yourself. I don't want you to do that. I want you to heal. I want the marriage to heal, but don't kid yourself. You can't just say, "Oh, my buddy's going to walk with me through this." His buddy's an idiot. That's not even close to what he needs.

Let me give you some numbers on this stuff. It's why we endorse SafeEyes—the computer filtering software. You should never have a computer in your home without it—especially for your children because they'll get drawn into this stuff in a heartbeat. The online porn industry makes more revenue than all sporting events in North America combined. NFL, NASCAR, NBA, NHL—name it. Major league baseball. Add them all together. You know how big professional sports are. Porn makes more. This is not a game. This is evil running rampant into your homes. It's not a cute little picture. This is not a 13-year-old with a Playboy under his bed. This stuff is filth. It's unbelievable, and it's coming into your home on HBO and Showtime and everything else too.

There's a wickedness to this—an evil to this—and this is not me being a prude. I'm watching lives being destroyed by this stuff. Men who are otherwise intelligent, well-trained academically, positive career situations, and they completely end up in the seediest end of town with prostitutes before the story is over. Men that you would have never thought—not in a million years—this stuff is out of control. To think that it's going to be okay on any level and not treat it with an extreme antidote when you find it . . . I'll just tell you we find it in some of the men in the office here, and the answers are extreme. The reaction is extreme.

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QUESTION: Meg in Michigan says her marriage is heading toward divorce. She went through some of her husband's things and thinks she found illegal drugs, and he was angry that she went through his private stuff. He has also changed a lot since they got married and refuses to go to counseling with her. She wants to know how to financially prepare herself. What does Dave suggest?

ANSWER: You are not trying to create unity at this stage of the game. What you are trying to do is protect yourself. You can't do both at the same time. I would not say that it is wise for you to financially create unity for you right now until you have a husband who is willing to participate in the healing of your house and marriage.

Financially, you have to prepare for divorce right now and begin those steps. He is not coming to the table. If you told me that you guys are in counseling after having a rough spot, but you are turning the corner and both of you are doing everything the counselor says to do, then I would encourage you to move financially toward unity because your marriage is heading toward unity.

Right now your marriage is unraveling. I'm sorry if that sounds brutal. The deal is this: Marriage counselors, as well as a friend of mine who does divorce recovery, tell us that divorce turns a marriage into a business transaction. That means now you have to start looking at accounts and say what happens to the accounts with your name on them and his name on them. You also figure out what happens with the house.

You don't put money into his account because you can't keep up with what's going on. You are going to separate your accounts and separate your debts and you are going to start moving financially toward separation.

You need to start thinking about getting an apartment or if you stay in the house. Find out if you make enough to pay those bills. Start thinking like a single person, financially. Then if that gives you financial strength and some peace, that gives you a better position to negotiate him returning to the marriage table to work through this together.

But if you are in weakness and disarray, it will be very hard to be strong enough to convince him that you are going to leave if this doesn't get better. You need to see the marriage counselor by yourself as well.

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QUESTION: Michelle in California says her husband left before Christmas and she's pregnant. They also lost a 7-month-old child last year and have a 9-year-old daughter at home. Now she's scared, and she doesn't know what to do.

ANSWER: Going through the loss of a child is unbelievably difficult. Sadly, there are a whole lot of marriages that struggle after that. That's not an unusual thing. I'm sorry that's the way this is headed.

You say he's chipping in here and there with household expenses, but that's not good enough. The thing I'm most concerned about with you contacting an attorney is that it's a lot easier for you to deal with your high-risk pregnancy if your stress level is down. Your stress level is down if you've got some money coming in for you and for this baby. I think an attorney will tell you that California law provides for that. Your husband needs to start writing some checks.

If he doesn't do that, you'll have to have your attorney instruct his attorney that you're going to have the court force him to do that. That's the only thing I'm concerned about–getting you guys some money. Once the baby comes and everything is all right, if the marriage dissolves then, you've got a single mom with two kids making $70,000 a year after you go back to work.

That's not your preference, but it's doable. You can run your household on that income, I think, and he'll also be paying child support. Go ahead and select your attorney, then have your attorney push for you and be an advocate for you to make him start sending you formal payments. He needs to get used to that idea.

Sometimes in these situations, the other person doesn't realize they have these financial obligations that the law requires. He may think he's doing all right, but I don't think he is. I think there is a lot more than he could or should or is supposed to be doing under the law. Check on that, and I think you'll be fine.

Make sure you're in a good church where there are lots of people around you giving you hugs and praying for you and loving on you. They can make you some meals and babysit the 9-year-old for you.

Don't be afraid to ask for help from your friends and from this group. It is their opportunity to minister, so don't rob them of that. You need some help, so put some things like that around you. But I think when the smoke clears and we revisit a year from today, you've got child support and $70,000 in income with two kids to take care of. That's doable. You'll be able to pull that off.

I think more than anything right now, you're just scared. Keep yourself surrounded with support and prayer, and get in touch with an attorney to get that child support coming in.

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