by Joe Plumber  at February 06 2010 2:08 AM

Dave - I am the nerd but my wife is always spending our money. I get the paycheck but in a week we don't have no money for food, cigarettes, beer and all our other needs. My buddy told me that obama will give me another stimulus check but I havent got it yet. Should I take a payday loan to help cover the difference?

by Louise  at February 01 2010 12:18 PM

I'm SO frustrated with my husband and can't take much more of his lack of "managing money." I'm almost ready to leave and just take care of myself only!Last year, I put every penny I made from 2 jobs in the checking acct. to pay bills, $27,000. He has contributed less than $6,000. to the checking acct. for bills. I have no idea what he makes (is self-employeed). His old truck is his first love. He spends money on both truck unneccessarily, stuff they don't need, just something to make it look better. I made the mistake of asking about something on one of them last year and was told he wasn't any of my business on how he spent HIS money. I've been riduculed for trying to save a little bit every payday for a rainy day. Well, it's more than a rainy day now! He had me withdraw money from my retirement acct. to pay the 3 mo. rent we were behind on earlier this month. I could scream if it would help. HELP ME, PLEASE!!

by Lynn  at January 29 2010 2:49 PM

Dear Nicole, Amy and Cynthia, I feel like I could have written anyone of your comments. Although We are stilll current on all of our payments, the $2000.00 dollars a month we pay in credit card payments is choking us. My husband also was out spending money that I did not know about or should I say I didn't want to know about. I too gave up about 4 years ago and just allowed him to have his own checking account and credit cards that I never opened. BOY, WAS THAT A MISTAKE!I have come to believe that spending money when you KNOW you do not have it is a symptom of a far bigger problem. We all self medicate with something. Some use food, some use exercise and free spirits use money, whether they have it or not! I am in the same situation. My husband is a free spirit and just doesn't get it. He thinks that as long as he can pay the minimum payment he is fine. Even though his spending has gotten us into lots of high credit card debt, he still continues to do it but at a much slower rate. Honestly, how many pairs of shoes, jackets or electronic gadgets can one man have? Men HATE change. As a wife it is our duty to figure out a way to present it so it is not an attack or an ultimatum. Sometimes I think that after 24 years of marriage an ultimatum of leaving is the only thing that will work. Then I wonder if an ultimatum is given and they choose not to come around, how much is a nasty divorce going to cost? Tens of thousands of dollars I assume. Men warm up very slowly to new ideas especially when it involves them to change. They have to know what is in it for them. Why can't they get it through their heads that when the wife/mom is happy everybody is happy! I'm not ready to throw in the towel, I am a tough stong woman who cares about the future of my children and marriage. So off I go to my 2nd job to help raise money to pay off this burdensome debt. Hopefully after many more short conversations, my husband will come around and start to see how being financially independent is good for all of us!

by Patti  at January 29 2010 12:24 PM

Can a marriage really survive if one of the partners is adamant about NOT working on a budget no matter how hard they try to work it out. My husband (possibly soon to be ex-husband) does not thing that ANYONE should tell him how to spend his money. This past year we declared bankruptcy, and lost our home of 18 years to foreclosure first of all due to financial errors we made but then because he refused to seek help from anyone. "No one will tell me how to spend my money" is what he keeps saying. Any suggestions? I am desperate.

by The Other Scott  at January 29 2010 10:27 AM

To Scott on your Oct 21, 2009 comment. Brother, I feel your pain. I wend the FPU with my wife back in Jan-April 2008. She attended some of the classes. She had a very negative attitude about setting any budget. It really was just a cover for a lot of other bad stuff she was doing that I did not know about. We had been through a total bankruptcy, from the failure of a business I had built from the ground up 10 years prior. My wife was handling the accounting for the business (it will make sense further down). I was trying to rebuild our financial lives on a proper foundation, but she and I continued to fight over her spending. By October 2008, she took on a part-time job, saying that Dave said it was ok--but she didn't take on the job to pay bills, but to expand her spending (which I know Dave wound give a big thumbs down to). Lets just say our marriage went downhill fast. She ran-off with out a work in Jan 09, moving in with and old 'friend'. Only later when I examined the business books from the last year in business did I discover over 20,000 of money that was listed in the accounting books as payments to suppliers, but the checks were written to her and cashed. I stayed on track through a very messy divorce and now the only debt I have is 2,500 I owe for my attorney costs. I am convinced that the arguments over money were just a symptom of a bigger problem. But in your case, you have to stop the spending one way or another or you will drown in debt.

by David  at January 27 2010 12:46 PM

Do I have enough, or maybe too much life insurance? I'm 48, recently married for the first time. My wife is 36, and we are trying to have a baby. Only one other child, my stepdaughter, who is 11 and we are raising her. I signed up for 25 year term-level insurance from USAA of half a million (about 5 times my pay). I checked on 10 times my pay, but even though healthy and nonsmoker, at my age it gets VERY expensive for 25 year. I'm thinking maybe I should have gone with 15 to 20 year term since that is what I hear Dave say, and the premiums would be more affordable. Some stats: our house is paid for, and we have no other debts. We are looking good as far as retirement benefits, 401K, college savings, mutual funds investments.

by Danielle  at January 26 2010 2:44 PM

My husband and I have found two money solutions that have significantly helped our marriage. The first is that we each get a certain amount of play money each month, the same for each, and we can save up if we want. So far, it's been $25 a month for the three years we've been married (in college, new in a job, and now expecting baby #2... this is the most we can realistically afford for play). Yes, it's hard to have an allowance that small... but it is just for wants that don't fit into the family budget. No guilt if we use it, no guilt if we save it. As long as nothing breaks our moral standards, everything is fair game. And a little bit of guilt free spending helps more with staying in budget and paying down debt than the extra $600 a year would if we tightened up. The other change was to create a grocery budget that works. We give a certain amount to groceries each month, and that includes an ample amount for food storage. Whatever is leftover can either be carried over or used, but ALL of our eating out has to come from the grocery budget. This has helped tremendously with the battle of me wanting to go out to eat all the time and my husband never wanting to. It's either in the food budget or it isn't, and we always have an up-to-date paper that has the answer. We also limit ourselves to an average of once a week... no matter how good the sales were, eating out still isn't the healthiest option! Other than that, the only debt we have is the mortgage, the car, and the student loan. We live in the middle of nowhere and my husband wants us to have a reliable car for traveling, and our May baby would not safely or legally fit in the vehicles from the college days. But you can bet we won't be waiting the full 60 months to pay that car off!

by Kristin  at January 26 2010 10:55 AM

My husband and I started our debt snowball this past year. I'm happy to say we'll be debt free in March! We each get a $30/week allowance for lunches (if we don't pack) or for going out on the weekend. This helps us to pack our lunch, so that we'll have that $30 for the weekend. We pull out our spending money when we deposit our checks for the week. This has been much better than saying "we have a $30 budget" and always go over it on our debit card. Now, when we're out of cash, we KNOW it. We haven't swiped our debit card for purchases in over 2 weeks this time (had to get a birthday present for a friend). We're so excited that soon we'll be building our 'REAL' emergency fund soon. :)

by Richard Kaulfers  at January 16 2010 4:10 AM

David, Sounds like you two will be just fine. Keep it up even when you want to just put it off. It will become second nature. By this time next year you will two will be budget masters. Have a great year. Richard Kaulfers

by Jennifer  at January 10 2010 3:46 PM

Nicole, You asked for advice on an allowance. I don't know an ideal amount, because that is so relative to the situation. However, you might be able to challenge him to reward himself by not spending money on lunch (take from home) and spending his "savings" on his toys. Your food budget may have to absorb a little of his lunch expenses, but it will be much less than eating out. You may need to find a " third party" to help negotiate a compromise. Your church may have someone to suggest. Good job on starting the steps and snowball!

by David  at January 08 2010 12:28 PM

thanks Jason and Richard. She helped me understand this morning that her point is, even though, for instance, we didn't spend out of the discretionary fund what was budgeted for that pay week, if she ever wants to do a whole day at the spa kind of thing, then the money has accumulated to a good amount to cover it. Makes sense after we sat down, and held hands to talk about it. I'm sort of a nerd being an engineer by profession, and sometimes don't see the whole picture.

by Richard Kaulfers  at January 07 2010 3:27 AM

David, Great job on getting the budget done! That is huge step and takes guts. Because you to both completed the budget together any changes that will be made will be done together as well. Then money that was budgeted for a category for the month keep it like that once the budget comity is closed. Even if at the end of the month you find you did not spend all the cash in that area, but you have your four walls taken care of. Keep that last month cash as it was. Consider it spent. You can make the changes for the next month to reflect what you are thinking. This will instill greater habits of sticking to the budget and it is ok to have a little reserve of category cash. When the time comes to use it you will find you have more to make better deals with and get those sales without using credit. So stick to the plan, make a note for the next month’s budget comity meeting and move on. It could destroy the whole idea if either of you started moving money around that was not first planned out. Keep up the great work David. Your Accountably Partner. Richard Kaulfers

by Jason  at January 06 2010 6:34 PM

David, Why not transfer half of the unspent money to the emergency fund. Once you have it built up to where you want it, you may look at tweaking the budget or just let the unspent money roll over for a while, but snowballing the debt should be high priority.

by David  at January 06 2010 10:00 AM

My wife and I sat down and agreed to a budget. But we had an argument the other night when she found out that I was adding to our emergency fund any budgeted spending that we did not spend. That is, for example, for discretionary fund or the clothing fund, if we didn't spend what we budgeted for that pay period, I would just transfer it back into building our larger emergency fund of 6 to 9 months expenses. Is this wrong? She feels that we should let those funds accumulate and spend out of them when we need to. Any advice/comments from any of you? What would Dave do?

by nicole  at January 05 2010 10:28 PM

Dear Cynthia and Amy. Thanks for the response first of all, because it is wonderful to know that someone out there has compassion, and can identify. I know how lonely and full of despair these crazy money issues and onesided realtionships can make a person feel. Cynthia, I wanted to let you know that I did consider filing bankruptcy, short sell on the home mortgage, and/or foreclosure, at the suggestion of my husband. But there is some piece of me that is so stubborn, I just can't give up. I just keep pushing through, and praying. Amy, its amazing how the kids come first for mothers isn't it? Do you know that I did without new underwear or socks (or clothes of any sort) for over a year, when our finances were at there worst? (And I am not talking about fancy underwear either, I am talking about Wally-world specials.) My mother ended up buying me some as a christmas gift. When is it time for the "BIG" ultimatum or when is it time to throw in the towel on the relationship completely and start from scratch? Ladies, sometimes I wonder how money became the most explosive issue/problem in our relationships. Was it always this way? Well, good luck to you both. Just maybe I can be stubborn enough for the 3 of us and make it through!

by Amy  at January 05 2010 12:05 PM

Nicole and Cynthia, I read both of your posts and I could have written either one. My husband is the "free spirit" and it's almost like he isn't happy if he's not spending money. I'm definitely the "nerd" and have no problem making sacrifices - most of my money goes to bills and needs for our two-year old son. My husband won't even discuss finances and budgeting without getting overly upset and withdrawing (ignoring me so I'll go away). He gets really upset if I make a comment about any purchase of his accusing me of keeping tabs on every penny he spends (and I do! He's my husband and all financial responsibilities at home are BOTH of ours). He has now resorted to taking out cash from the ATM I can only assume so I can't look at our online statement and see where his money is going. I'm seriously considering divorce because this makes it extremely difficult to trust him (and we have other, non-financial, trust problems). Why is he trying to hide things from me?

by Cynthia  at January 04 2010 4:33 PM

Nicole, hearing your comment brought tears to my eyes being that I am pretty much in the same boat, but unfortunately, when I gave up a year ago, I let all of our finances go for the sake of not fighting and now my home is in foreclosure and I just got a letter that my wages will be garnished for my student loans. I can relate to so many of you posting. My bonuses are my husband's new toy bonuses. There is never a discussion about money, only fights that end up with me being the one that "only cares about money" although he is the one spending it. I am so desperate and I don't even have any money to look for financial coaching. I feel so alone, but even if I were to approach him about it, he would refuse to help fix it as if it is solely my responsibility to fix but his to spend.

by nicole  at January 01 2010 9:52 PM

I just finished reading TMMO and am really excited. I am married with two children, have a house we cannot sell (we rent it for less than the mortgage note), and am currently drowning in debt. My husband thinks the TMMO is a great idea "in theory." I am the "nerd" of the family and he is the "free spirit." He has no responsibility with regard to our finances and just expects me to work out the money. He takes 3-4 "guy" trips per year, while I take none. I know that we really don't have the money. He feels resentful when I tell him we don't have the money for trips or extras (like a nagging mother), and I feel resentful because he is acting like a child. I try to get him to save for big purchases, but he has the "want it now" syndrome. I have tried to involve him in the finances, and he will discuss and plan them with me up to a point, but will not committ to any real sacrifices. And more often than not we end up in horrible fights, with me giving up. I am the type of person that will take sack lunches and eat at home everyday if it will pay off bills, he will not (and believe me, I have tried). We agreed in the beginning that I would take care of the finances, I am the "nerd" after all (I am not perfect though), but I had no idea things would turn out this way. I go through cycles of giving up on being thrifty myself because I feel that it does no good - he is out there spending all the money while I sacrifice for nothing (we both work full time jobs). Don't get me wrong, my husband is a good man in alot of ways, but good grief am I frustrated! All this being said, we have, in fact, started on the steps and are now snowballing our debts. Now if I can just rein in his free spending per month. Anybody have some advice on a realistic monthly allowance including daily lunches for my husband? Wish us luck! I hope to write back in 12 month having made wonderful progress (and hopefully converted my husband)!

by Richard Kaulfers  at December 29 2009 8:21 AM

Jessica, Great job on reading TMM. For the new year I would say Read it again, and after that again, with your husband. There is alot of details that need to be filled in here; are you on a budget, what things does he feel he will be giving up. What are your goals, are you able to get all four walls paid first. There will be lots of times when you two feel you want to just give up, but you know its about the kids know too. If you can get on here you already have access to lots of great info online and you should be able to find some groups in your area to lend a hand while you get an extra job. Keep it up! Richard Kaulfers

by Jessica  at December 26 2009 10:07 AM

I just started watching Dave a couple months ago and read the Total Money Makeover book last month. My husband and I are drowning in debt close to $50,000 before school loans, that is simply medical bills and a car loan. We have never used CC's but still the debt is huge. We only make a little over 25,000 a year, we have 3 kids, 2 of them have special needs that tend to be expensive. I am all on board with Daves plan but my husband still wants to do all the things we used to do. We never take vacations or anything like that but we do love to eat out with the kids. I currently handel all the money, checkbook, bills, you name it. He feels like we will be giving up everything we do enjoy and trust me it is not much. Our son has autism and family outings can be a challenge, but what little pleasures we do have he wants to keep. We have gotten rid of many things that were weighing us down but I don't know how to get him on board with the program before we are so far into debt that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

by Steve  at December 23 2009 8:28 AM

Doyle, yes you are being too controlling. At your age your kids are most likely in their 40s and 50s. Have they shown a pattern of not being able to handle money? If they didn't learn the lessons of FPU then you don't give a drunk a drink and you can't teach it to them by trying to control their behavior. Those convinced against their will are of the same opinion still. If you can't give from a joyous heart, maybe you should consider charity.

by john  at December 21 2009 11:44 AM

My employer gave me a annual performance bonus. My wife thinks its ours bonus and will not let me spend any of it. Is this right or wrong? When she get extra money she keeps it.

by Lori  at December 19 2009 9:32 PM

My husband does not work, but he stays home with our son. He only has to watch him 2 days a week and my parents watch him rest of the time when I am at work. The problem is we are in terrible debt and I can't get my husband to work. We have equipment he could sell and I can't get him to get it ready to sell or even list it for sale. I know he is depressed and I don't know what to do! I feel lost and drowning in debt does not help.

by Doyle  at December 14 2009 11:48 AM

We have 8 children and we gave them $1000.00 when they completed FPU. We have also gave each over $100,000. with no restricted and 3 of them a home with no mortgages. Before we give them addl funds we desire to attach restricts. i.e. provide us net worth statement for Jan 2010 & Dec 2010, monthly budget, complete baby step 3. I'm a real estate investor and have been fairly successfully and had NW over 3 m prior to gifts. We're in good health in our late 70s. Are we wrong when we attach restricts to our gifts?

by Natalie  at December 11 2009 9:48 PM

Scott, I know what's worked well for my husband and myself was to go over our budget and decide as a couple what our 'allowance' would be. We each get a set amount monthly to spend guilt free in whatever way we choose. That way there is no 'well you spent this much', 'yeah, but you spent that much'. We decided we each get the same amount, no matter who makes more or is even working outside the home. Hope this is helpful.

by Miss Cathrine Ashley Brennan  at December 07 2009 7:18 PM

This a a great tip

by Katie  at November 30 2009 8:32 AM

Scott, have you tried giving her a certain amount to spend every month? Even if it's $200 which is a lot when you are trying to get debt free, is better than giving her nothing and having her spend 2x or more that amount. Tell her you want to get out of debt but you understand how hard it is on her, and that she can have $200 to spend however she wants. You will still get out of debt, and she can still spend. It stinks that it has to be like that, but maybe it will help.

by thom  at November 16 2009 8:16 PM

I ended up ending my relationship. She just wasnt going to change and basically told me it was her way or the highway. I looked at the situation and realized that it was going to end sooner or later if she wasnt going to change. That was 10 months ago and i hear she has lost her job, car, apartment, and suffering from severe depression. Hurts to know how bad off she is but its all the things i mentioned could happen.

by Georgia  at November 12 2009 8:34 AM

No doubt about it: communicating about money is a challenge, but the work and time has been worth it for my husband and me. I did the budget alone for years, then would go ballistic when he spent "off plan." Now we do it together and I follow Dave's guidelines. I'm the nerd, so I show my husband the budget and SHUT UP! The rule is he has to make one change; he can't abdicate responsibility, because it's a joint venture. A couple of other ground rules that have helped: (1) absolutely no talk about money in bed and (2) have budget discussions in a neutral, pleasant environment. We usually end up in a coffee shop, buying the cheapest beverage on the menu! Maybe the nerd can also create the budget and propose a time to meet: "Hey, honey, I'm working on the budget for next month. Would Friday at 7 p.m. be a good time for us to discuss it? We could take an hour and go to Starbucks..."

by Ashley  at November 05 2009 10:24 AM

Our marriage may not be perfect but we are both pretty good w/ $. I am more of the pay debt off and he is more the lets have a big savings incase. We enjoy separate money so we each get a certain amount of spending money each month then the rest is in joint checking. I think Dave has great ideas but very extreme.. We have no CC debt but enough in school loans (we're just 25). we want to pay our debt down but still enjoy life as we do so.

by jay  at October 30 2009 2:50 PM

I'm at the end with scott. My husband lets me make all the financial decisions. We both were spenders at one point until I looked up and saw debt but no money. Now, I have to fix it because i was in charge of the money. and guess what he's not trying to get on board by not spending. It is impossible to make another person do something. Now what?

by Scott  at October 21 2009 1:24 PM

I am at the end of a FPU in church. My wife has never made the effort to attend. We worked on the first budget together and set how much goes where. It was tight but I said to see how it went and we could adjust next month. Last month she complete blew off even attempting to stay on budget. This month she refuses to even talk about any budget or about finances at all. I don't know what to do. I know our budget is tight on all levels. I know Dave says that seperating accounts and bills is death to a marriage, but what do you do if one spouse is spending at a rate that will put you 100's if not 1000's negative every month?

by Candace  at July 30 2009 8:59 AM

At our house we have started using the term. . .WWDD? This has helped each of us to check the other one. It's a non aggressive way for us to say, hey, did you even think about that decision or are you wiling to pay the stupid tax following it? It's working!